Queen Kamz — Brendan McCreary

Dearest Kamz,

It’s June 3rd 2025, the day of our would-be 3rd anniversary. I wish we could have been celebrating. I wish we were together and happy and having fun. I wish so much for us. Not only as a couple but as individuals. I wish we could have stayed together…or rather…I wish things never got to that point, that we had to break up. I can’t really say that, without low-key sliding some blame onto the table. When I’m feeling angry with you, or hurt by you, I want to point the finger and say it was Kamz fault for not being X or Y or Z. Or not becoming X or Y or Z, or A or B or C. Of course…I had my part to play in all those variables. It does take two in the end. I put a lot of pressure on you. My frustrations and resentments towards you, may have become a mirror image of your frustrations and resentments to me. My desires for your growth and improvement and healing, became…ultimately…may have become an impediment to your growth and improvement and healing I think. Because you can really truly only do that for one person and one person only.

That person is you of course.

Queen Kamz.

The simplest solution would have been to break up much earlier, which we tried. At the end of that first summer we broke up if you recall. But I couldn’t let you go, very much in the same way that I can’t seem to let you go now. But at that time, you were still so fragile, and in danger. You weren’t ready to be on your own, or at least it seemed that way to me. I was afraid for you and your safety, I couldn’t turn away from you. I stayed because in my heart I loved you, but I was also scared you might hurt yourself, or something terrible would happen. Hell…on the first day of school you got jumped by a skid! I couldn’t leave you, and I didn’t want to.

Our relationship was born, when you were at the bottom of your world. I didn’t know that for the first few weeks, but I learned it very quickly, and also very slowly in a way. With more and more of the story unfolding as the months and years went by. I thought, as you know, that because I had made the voyage to the bottom of my own world, I could help you. I could escort you upwards. And, in many ways I feel I have done that…but…it came at quite a cost…for both of us. And ultimately, the final cost was the relationship itself. In the end I could no longer be your escort, without hurting you in the process, and visa versa. A pretty cruel catch 22 if you ask me.

Of course, maybe you don’t need an escort. Maybe you shouldn’t have one at all. Maybe this is the part of the story where Kamz goes into the labyrinth on her own.

I’m devastated. And have been since we ended things. The last few weeks I felt maybe we were re-kindling things, and I’m feeling now, that may not be the case. And perhaps it’s for the best. You have hurt me a lot since I started getting back in touch with you to be truthful. But, if I’m being honest and fair, I’m mostly hurting myself. You have told me that you “don’t have the energy,” that maybe “this is the way you communicate now,” that you “don’t mind talking but things won’t be the same,” and that you feel I have expectations you simply cannot meet. Not only have you said these words to me, but you’ve also acted on them. You are talking the talk, and walking the walk. And it hurts quite a bit to be honest.

My ego has taken a beating. So has my heart. I’ve been feeling abandoned and forgotten. I’ve been in a state of disbelief and denial. Often thinking, how could she do this to me etc etc.

I imagine…these types of feelings might be similar to what you felt in late January when I ended the relationship. I sort of thought the breakup was at least partially mutual, but maybe it wasn’t. I’m sorry Babies. For so much. But especially what happened that night in January. I know I’ve apologized before, and I know there wasn’t really much else I could have done. I’m glad the night ended in lullabies though. We brought it right back around in the end didn’t we?

I don’t know Kamz…I think I’m having trouble because I feel our roles have reversed. You used to tell me you felt I didn’t have room in my life for you, but now, here in this moment…I feel you don’t have room in your life for me. I feel it. I know it’s true. You have shown me in word and in deed.

You have also told me I’m your Honey Bee, and you love me…and though those things may be true, they don’t seem to be what you need or want right now. I’m struggling to honor that. I’m struggling to listen to you and to hear you. I hear with my ears and see with my eyes…and I don’t want it to be true. Probably mostly because of my ego if I’m being honest. I’m a proud and jelly boy.

But the other truth is…I do love you too. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I love you, I’m obsessed with you, and…I’m addicted to you. And as flattering as the obsession and addiction may be…it is making things really hard for me…and I can see that my pushy persistent presence in your life is making things harder for you. At a time when you simply don’t have the resources for any additional difficulties. Also…maybe Queen Kamz should just do Queen Kamz, and not have to worry about anyone else except for her.

I want to apologize for leaning on you and getting back in touch and trying to start something up. I’ve been very selfish, and pretty immature. I’ve been having tantrums. I want to be the special boy in your life. I want my attention and my texts, and my nudes, and my nicknames, and I want all my texts to be answered and I want to be special! I want to be wanted and needed and all that…

But…I need to listen. I need to see. I need to respect where you are. Even if it hurts. You said something similar to me the night we broke up. I think you’ve done a better job of it than I have.

You know, when I’ve been talking about you to various people over the last few weeks if not months, they always ask how long we were together, and I just say “3 years.” It’s easier than saying 2 and a half, it’s catchier, it’s more impressive, and it’s how I feel about it regardless. Because, we may have separated in January but…my heart hasn’t budged.

So maybe now is a good time to tell you some things I love about you, for our would-be third anniversary. Most of this is direct quotes out of my journal/diary over the last few months. Here goes.

* Kam is incredibly beautiful She is gorgeous and only getting more beautiful by the day. She photographs incredibly well of course, but she is equally beautiful off camera and in candid photos. Her face and her body are just…chef’s kiss. I think she’s the most beautiful girl in the world.

* Kam has a great laugh. It is lovely and contagious, and I especially love her squeaky high laugh, when I get her cracking up too hard. It’s one of my favorite sounds ever.

* Kam has an amazing body. She has beautiful body hair, and a great phat ass. Round and brown and thick and juicy and delicious. Her tummy is WOW…I love all her curves and her siopao rolls. I love her back and how her shoulders flare out like a body builder. She has beautiful small breasts that fit perfectly in my hands and in my mouth. A delicious and beautiful phat pussy that made me thank god the first time I saw her, and the tightest most delicious little asshole of all time. Perfect at 120 or 140! All that, and she has beautiful stretch marks that sparkle in the light. I worship all of her. An Ultra Dime.

* Kam is an incredible sexual person, with whom I have had the best sex of my life. Also the nastiest, and naughtiest, and dirtiest. Also the sweetest and most tender. The most immersive. She and I both gave each other a safe space to express our deepest and at times darkest desires, and though we got burnt by playing with fire a few times, it was incredible being her lover.

* Kam is very passionate about her work and her interests. She seems to genuinely care about invertebrates and polychetes and invasive species as well as the environment. Though she struggles in her life with a variety of problems, she continues to overcome them in regards to her school and her research. When things were tough, between us, or in life or both…she always rose to the occasion and made it happen. I’m proud of her toughing it all out, and hearing about how those freshman came up to her after her presentation made me extra proud. They saw all the things in Kam that I know have been in there the whole time. They wanted to be like her. It proves Kamz genuineness in regards to her work and beyond. I know something great is right around the corner for her. I know it!

* Kam is very generous. She is a gift giver, and she’s quite good at it. Her gifts always have intention and thought behind them. It’s not my love language but it’s one of hers and I have always appreciated that. She is generous with her heart as well, despite everything that has happened to her, her heart is still open. Remarkable given everything she’s been through.

* Kam has always been kind and generous with Zai. She has always been a sort of special friend to her. I know this because Zai confides in Kam things she doesn’t tell either of her parents. Kam loves my daughter and Zai loves her and I really can’t thank Kam enough for that. I’m not sure I’ve properly shown her my gratitude. Just, babysitting and making it possible for Zai to see her Babba perform is the greatest gift of all. I think Kam will make an excellent mom one day.

That’s…just a few things from my journal.

I want to say, your devotion as a girlfriend, even with all our troubles, was lovely. I know I’m a jelly boy, but…I never doubted your loyalty to me, or your love for me. I hope you could feel that from me too Kamz. I was…and remain it seems…devoted to you too. In that regard alone you were an excellent girlfriend. The best. Thank you for loving me Babies.

I guess it’s time to wrap this blog entry up.

What more can I say? I’m grateful to have been with you. I’m so fucking glad I showed up in your life when I did. In each other’s lives really. I’m so glad I was your guardian angel. I’m so glad Operation Queen Kamz Escape Velocity in the end was a success. Friday was the hottest, sweetest, sexiest, most triple XXL feugo night of my life. I know I will never have that again nor will I ever forget it. You gave me everything that night, just what I wanted. I got to be your Daddy…and you got to be my Loliz…and a ton of other nicknames. I can’t remember half of them, but I’ve got them written down somewhere. I know you’ve suffered alone and we’ve suffered together, but…I’m grateful for that too. Even for the hard times. I think you’re a bomb ass bitch, Coachella ready 24/7 and you’re absolutely the sexiest and most beautiful girl ever. I think you’ve got what it takes to overcome all the obstacles in your way, both inside and out. I know that to be true. You are smart and you are capable and you deserve deserve deserve great things Babies.

It seems we may really have to part ways this time. I know you’re struggling right now…and I know I’m not in a position to really help you. I know I’ve hurt you, and I know I’m so sorry for that. But I also know we’ve really only hurt each other in ways that only people that truly love each other can.

I have every faith in you. I love you very much. I always will. I hope, down the line, that life will lead us back to each other, as better versions of ourselves, so we can be for each other what we always wanted to be.

I will always be here for you in whatever way I can or try my hardest at the very least.

I love you. I believe in you.

Happy third anniversary Queen Kamz.

Reign Supreme Angel.

Muahz and Nyomz.

🧡💛

Dear Queen Kamz,

I have so much I want to say…but I’ve said it many times. I’ve told you over Facetime and text, many times over. I can’t get you out of my heart, nor do I want to, nor am I in a rush. But, as we both know…the pain of losing each other is…intense to put it mildly. After our talk last night, you told me some things that I needed to hear, and they were painful, but I knew them in my heart and mind already. We can’t really hide much from each other. I knew what you needed, and why. I don’t want to lose you, maybe we don’t have to, but for now, it seems like we are where we are, and maybe that’s where we’re meant to be. I know in my heart also, that you need to be as free and clear and solely yourself in this moment. You have every decision to make, and though some of them may be temporary or placeholders, they are all very important. And they should all be 100% you. I would love to help, or to listen, or to be a part of it…but I think this “wall” you’ve subconsciously put up may be more than just a way to distance yourself from “us,” and perhaps, a declaration of independence of some kind. I know you’re deep in the hurricane right now, but you are very nearly free. Your graduation is around the corner, a new and probably reasonably lucrative job is around the corner, and your independence is just…so important. My heart remains broken, I know yours is too…I’m so sorry. I love you very much, and always will. I believe in you.

PS. I would love to see you again soon…lets figure something out for my birthday k?

When we talked about this blog yesterday I got an idea. The other day I was messing around with a new song that I wrote with Duff McKagan (bass player for Guns and Roses) and Chad Smith (drummer from Red Hot Chili Peppers) [oh….and Bear too technically], it is a rock and roll beat ‘em up tune that kind of kicks ass. Like…it’s way too good. And I started playing it on my new strat and my acoustic and I sort of dissolved it into a melancholy ballad. And while I was singing it with so much emotion, the lyrics started to pop out, and as usual, I thought of you. I realized, the lyrics are are about you and me, but mostly you. In a way, our whole story is in the lyrics. I wrote them a few months ago. But after our conversations, and opening up to each other…I realized that the song might belong to you. So…I decided to record it for you. I will post the original rock and roll version underneath my solo version as well.

The song is called Cool Kids…and you know…of course…You’re So Cool. Lyrics below. All my love Babies. Reign Supreme. 10k Stunner. 🧡💛

I know you want me but you’re so shy
Bring me a stone - I turn it to gold
You say the word
What you want
And we’ll go to war
I’ll get you home by Sunday night

My expertise
Shopping sprees
Like you won’t believe
The king and queen for the courtesan
So easy squeeze
Summer breeze
Out here with the freaks
A holy lamb in the lion’s den

Ooh it’s like you read my mind
Ooh right where the sun don’t shine

The cool kids show off their scars
They’re not afraid
To be ravenous
True love
Under bright stars
That kind of pain
So extravagant - Yeah!
Cool kids Show off their scars
They’re not afraid
To be fabulous
True love
How the fire starts
I want it

I recently
Had a dream
things were poppin off
The days are long
and every night is young
Don’t wake me now
Leave me down
I’d rather not wake up
Another spin
Round this midnight sun

Dear Babies,

Happy Birthday to you. As usual I’m not there to celebrate with you, and I’m very bummed about that. I would really love to see you in your new spot, in yet another new phase of your life. Phases which seem to go by very quickly before a new one pops up huh? Your life seems to be moving quicker and quicker and for the better as you navigate farther away from your old life. New friends and new experiences and new environments. And finally, a place all to yourself, like you’ve always wanted. A beautiful little house in the woods, right on the water. What could be better? I’m really happy for you, and proud of you and what you’re accomplishing. I know its hard but you’re really making it happen Angel.

This year I didn’t go ham on the presents. But what I did get you I hope will last you for many years in their usefulness, both personal and professional. Also…a card. Hehehe. But as usual I’ve cooked you up a little something, which sadly I let slip in Hawaii a bit. But I’ve fixed up the mix, and now you can listen to it whenever you please please please. Heheheh.

Love you very much Sweetheart, and I’ve been very happy to bring you into the back half of your twenties! The best part is, it’s only going to get better from here! Happy happy birthday Queen Kamz! Reign supreme Babies.

Love Brendan

Dear Sampa Babies,

Well here we are Queen Kamz…our two year anniversary. It’s strange that it seems equally amazing, and somewhat normal to have made it this far, despite everything we’ve been through. It feels like a lifetime has passed by, and it also feels like no time at all. As usual defying the laws of physics, as you always have done! It ought to be noted that we’ve had a lot of trials this year, stemming from a variety of sources, and in varying degrees of severity, but we’ve always managed to be loving and kind to each other. We’ve even fought lovingly and kind to each other, and that is something that is very rare, and beautiful in my estimation. There are of course many things going on that are wonderful, and great, not the least of which is your continued and rapid healing, and action towards your goals. The excellent impressions you are leaving on your cohorts and new friends, are connections both professional and personal that will last a lifetime. You are beautiful, gorgeous actually, and smart and talented in ways that you probably don’t see…but I do. And other people too. I love you very much, and I can easily and fondly recall our earliest memories together two years ago as if they were yesterday. Queen Kamz you are a good woman, with a golden heart and you deserve only the best, and I like to think I’ve been the best for you during our time together. Even though I can be a major butt sometimes…heheheh.

I love you with all my heart Queen Kamz. And I will always love you Angel. My ultra Fuego Sampaguita Mamita Chica Hermosa Mango XXL Burrito Queen Babies.

Now you know I couldn’t possibly update this “blog” as you like to call it without a song for you…and I bet you could guess who the artist is if you thought about it…for 5 seconds. This singer has had a profound impact on both our lives I should say, and in such a short time! Sort of metaphorical of our actual relationship huh? His voice has both confused, confounded, and aggravated, but also excited and inspired, and there’s one song in particular that seems to have effected us both…and I knew it was the perfect song for our anniversary…Mega wuvs of the ultra variety Queen Kamz…

Here’s a little Al Jarreau for my Babies.

Dearest Kamz,

Happy Birthday my Angel. It’s your special day and you deserve the most special day! You’re 27 and Gemini adores you! I know I already summarized this in your birthday card but…look at all you’ve done this year. Look at who you’ve blossomed into. You’re so much stronger, faster…more powerful…more able. You are coming up and I hope you feel even the littlest bit of pride in yourself. You’ve accomplished so much, in so short a time. It may have felt like a long time, but it was a very short time in the grand scheme of things. You’re blasting off. I’m so proud of you, especially of all your accomplishments this summer. Which, you did indeed, do all by yourself. But your project, now complete, your committee…all these major mile stones…MAJOR milestones one after the other. More to come. Wonderful things are right around the corner for you Angel I promise. Happy birthday Queen Kamz. And many many many more to come. See you in a few days, and I’ll have tons of presents for you! Heheheh. I love you so much.

Oh…PS. Here’s another song for my Angel! It’s for the Swifty fans buried deep within us. Mega Wuvs.

Hi Queen Kamz,

Very hard to believe our one year has arrived. We’ve been through so so so much this year, it’s really hard to fathom. Almost impossible. It has been a long brutal year for both of us…but especially for you. You’ve grown and changed in so many important and incredible ways, and all the while, proved over and over again your dedication to yourself, to me, and to our relationship. It has felt at times, like trouble is always around the corner for one or both of us, and each time, we’ve really plowed into it, and handled the problem, instead of running from it, or hiding from it. We’ve been honest with each other, at times brutally honest, and we haven’t run away. I really appreciate that I can talk to you about very difficult things, and you always come back to me with a clear head and positive intentions (when you’re done being a spoiled brat! 🤣). When you allow me to express myself, it makes me feel loved, and heard, and cared for, and I see you actively working and making changes to support me. I hope I have done the same for you. I’m very proud of you, and if I’m being honest I’m very proud of us. I struggle with togetherness, and closeness, and accepting love into my heart, but when I check in with myself, I know I love you just as deeply as I ever have. You’re my best friend, and the best fap buddy in the world (🤣🤣🤣). I know you love me, and I feel you love me just for me, and that is a wonderful feeling. I love you too Queen Kamz. And I can’t wait to see what we accomplish together and independently in the coming year. Worship my Queen Kamz Reign Supreme and happy Kammiversary.

Oh wait…I almost forgot the song!

You had asked me for a variety of tunes for our anniversary…and I largely ignored your requests…heheheh. I wondered: what is something NEW I could do for you, and potentially meaningful. I thought about it and Panic at the Disco popped up in my mind. Not merely because you enjoy it but because we’ve listened to it on our myriad road trips up and down the coast. And one song in particular occurred to me. I remember listening to this on our way up from LA in March and it hit me on a very emotional level (I think I teared up in the car, but you didn’t notice - heheh). Don’t get me started on how much I hate the lyrics to this song, and how it contains some of the worst grammar in song lyrics of all time - LOLZ - but I knew when it popped into my head it was the song for your anniversary gift. I also thought it would be great slowed down and smoothed over a bit, and it was! Above all else, the song is about someone putting their life as a single person aside for a shot at “happily ever after” and a “lifetime of laughter,” and that seems to be the journey we’re on. I have not regretted hanging up my spurs even for a moment since we connected last June the 3rd, and I have no intention of putting them back on. I do feel happy when we’re together, and I do feel loved, and we do laugh and laugh a lot when we’re together. So lets make it to year 2 okay Babies! I love you, happy anniversary…I mean Kammiversary!

Dear Kam,

Contrary to what you might think I am very bad at relationship stuff…especially Valentine’s day stuff. 🥺 I knew with everything going on and all the traveling and stress, I was probably going to drop the ball on Valentine’s day this year…and even though technically me coming up this last weekend was supposed to be your “gift” (😑), and we did have some romantic and lovely dinners over the weekend, I didn’t want to come up completely empty handed on Valentine’s Day! So I made you something with my own hands. It isn’t a clay pot or a watercolor painting or anything like that…but hopefully you will enjoy it. I knew I wanted to make you a song for Valentine’s but I didn’t know what. And as we were having some tough times in the last few weeks I wanted to record something that you really enjoyed, and something that you might find inspiring. I remembered suddenly that you had found solace and support in Lizzo’s record over the summer and beyond and so I went back to it and was reminded how many bangers are on there, and I knew I had to do one of those! So I know I’m not a body-posi-black lady-superstar…but I hope my little version of 2BLoved will help you on your journey just a little bit too! 😍🤩😅🥹 Happy Valentine’s Day Queen Kamz.

Dear Kamz,

Something I’ve noticed since you came into my life is how every song that plays, seems to be about you. From Bruno Mars’ Chunky, to Sunflower…by Postie. I’ve often wondered how does she do that? How are all the songs about her? I feel like Chunky was our initial anthem, which I recorded for you right away, but Sunflower has been slowly and surely bubbling up, to the point that I can’t really get it out of my head. It’s been stuck in there for months. So I made a special version for you, for your birthday. I know you will go hard at 26. I’m proud of you and the work you are doing. You are a Queen, and you are slowly but surely Reigning, and Supremeing, at your own pace, and in your own way. Love you Queen Kamz. I hope you enjoy my cover of Sunflower - just for you Babies.

Here are the new lyrics I wrote to Swae’s first verse. Some of them are bespoke to us, and others are just patching over his goof ball lyrics. But, I think this is much better. X^P

Needless to say I keep it in check
She was a bad one nevertheless
Calling it quits now baby I’m a wreck
Crash at my place baby you’re a wreck

SOS, all hands on deck
Went a little fast, but no regrets
Calling it quits now baby I’m a mess
Crash at my place baby you’re a mess

Thinking in a bad way losing your grip
Crying all damn day baby don’t trip
Looking at you sideways, lost not found
Feeling like our world turn upside down
Ooh-ooh, somethings you can’t refuse
She tryna break all the rules
And I’m not tryna lose

Oh…I nearly forgot to mention, I’ve been cooking something else up for you. A lengthy, (and hopefully sleep inducing) guided meditation. It’s based on a conversation we had a few weeks ago, and these images popped into my head almost right away. If you don’t pass out immediately, I hope you will find the images and emotions useful, insightful, and meaningful. If you would like to read the script just ask and I will send it to you. I truly hope this might help you heal, if even just the tiniest bit. I believe in you with all my heart.